Page 37 of The Life We Almost Had

I couldn’t call Mum. She had taken Nan on a coach trip to the market Nan liked because it sold every imaginable colour of wool. I hadn’t gone with them because I had been feeling so exhausted, but now I wished I had. I was going frantic. After a moment of hesitation, I called Nell.

‘Hey Anna! I’ve been meaning to phone you.’ She sounded pleased to hear from me.

‘Have you got time to talk?’

‘Yep. I’ll just… Oh God, Emily, don’t draw on the sofa! Alfie, stop your sister. No, don’t join in. Chris?’ she yelled. ‘Sorry, can I call you back in a sec, Anna?’

‘Of course.’

But she didn’t.

By mid-afternoon I was climbing the walls. My stomach was cramping and I realized I hadn’t got enough tampons. I also hadn’t carried out a pregnancy test. Each month I played that lonely game of maybe-this-time. Every four weeks I vowed that I wouldn’t do it again, but I couldn’t help carrying out a test on the day my period was due. Despite the endometriosis, my cycle had remained pretty regular and it had become a ritual I was scared to break, not that it had brought me any luck but because, if I didn’t carry it out, it would feel like I was giving up hope and hope was all I had.

I used to go to the small chemist at the end of the street. For the first few times the assistant had grinned conspiratorially at me while I had made my purchase.Months stretched into a year and she would no longer meet my eye as she served me. Instead of a smile, she had worn an embarrassed flush around her neck. I had learned never to visit the same shop twice in a row.

‘Just these two?’ The gum-chewing girl raised her pierced eyebrows at my contradictory duo of Tampax and a ClearBlue kit.

‘Yes.’ I rummaged in my purse for money, hesitating as my fingers brushed Grandad’s coin. I couldn’t remember the last time Adam had given it to me and I wished I could give it to him now, so that he would know that I was thinking of him. Worrying about him.

About us.

Abashed, I scooped the bag from the counter containing my purchases and my shame. I carried my failings out of the shop, wearing my inadequacies like a coat. Over the years I must have spent over £500 on tests. There were so many things that we could have done with the money. Our bank account was on my mind again when I spotted Adam. He was coming out of the letting agents, and smiling. He was smiling, looking happier than I had seen him look in months. He had a rucksack slung over his shoulder. What was in there? Clothes? Regret stirred in my belly each time I recalled my harsh words.

You should leave. That would make me happy.

Panicked thoughts swarmed. He had taken the money from our savings and rented a house.

The boy from the bar had left me.

I opened my mouth to call him but my throat had swelled with emotion and I couldn’t speak.

Isn’t this what I wanted, deep down?

If you love someone, set them free.

It was another couple of hours before Adam arrived home and by this time I’d convinced myself he wouldn’t be back. I had stuffed the empty box of the pregnancy-testing kit at the bottom of the bin, the way I sometimes hid pink wafer biscuit wrappers, like a shameful secret. I had been rehearsing a speech endlessly in my head, telling myself I would be calm and controlled. This moment could make or break our gossamer-fragile relationship.

‘Can we talk?’ I blurted out as soon as he walked through the front door.

‘Me first.’ He looked so serious.

Don’t say it.

He pulled at the collar of his polo shirt and I knew he was nervous.

Don’t say it.

‘I’ve got something to tell you. I think it’ll be a shock. But…’ His fingers worried at a stray thread. He snapped it off. My eyes filled with tears – will our marriage break just as easily as cotton?

Don’t say it.

Chapter Twenty-One

Adam

‘I’ve spoken to Ross today,’ I said again. ‘Your head teacher?’ I added. Anna knew who he was, so why wasn’t she saying anything? Her face paled and she swayed slightly. I cradled her elbow and led her through to the lounge. I couldn’t believe I had dropped the bombshell on her while standing in the hallway. Sometimes I was such a twat.

‘Why? What did he say?’ Her voice was barely audible.

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